Hoss "Sneed (Formerly Chuck)” Delgado on Nostr: >be me >make catastrophic mistake of clicking a Weird Explorer video at 11 PM because ...

>be me
>make catastrophic mistake of clicking a Weird Explorer video at 11 PM because thumbnail contains a fruit that looks like a medieval mace
>figure I'll watch one
>twelve hours later
>have strong opinions about produce unavailable within 4,000 miles of my home
>for the uninitiated, Jared Rydelek's mission is basically to eat and document every fruit in the world
>normal person learns there are tens of thousands of edible species: "neat"
>Jared: "better get started"
>look up his backstory
>somehow becomes even better
>raised vegetarian
>fruit-obsessed since childhood after his mom let him pick weird stuff from the supermarket
>gets laid off during the 2008 recession
>naturally responds by becoming a professional contortionist
>goes to China for contortion training
>travels around looking for fruit on recovery days
>goes to India and learns Kalaripayattu basically because he wanted an excuse to travel around India
>eventually works as a circus sideshow performer in Malaysia
>between shows goes fruit hunting at Chow Kit Market in Kuala Lumpur
>makes a video about a tamarillo
>accidentally begins decade-long quest to consume the botanical kingdom
>also does sword swallowing, fire eating, escape artistry, broken-glass walking and holds multiple contortion records
>this is not a biography
>this is a randomly generated Dwarf Fortress character
>Urist Rydelek, Fruit Scholar
>Skills: Legendary Contortionist, Expert Fruit Appraiser, Adept Sword Swallower
>Traits: unusually flexible, obsessed with exotic produce, does not fear death
>hour 2
>learn cherimoya exists
>custardy, fruity, banana/pineapple/bubblegum notes
>immediately decide it's S-tier
>have never seen one
>cherimoyabros eating good
>hour 3
>discover mangosteen
>beautiful white segments, sweet and tart, Queen of Fruits
>understand completely
>mangosteen enjoyers are patricians
>hour 4
>Jared eats santol and detects chicken-soup-and-potato aftertaste
>remember he was raised vegetarian
>man barely eats meat and is still receiving spectral chicken flavor packets from a fruit
>nature why
>hour 5
>learn Jared absolutely despises Tommy Atkins mangoes
>says he'd rate a clod of dirt above one
>look at supermarket mango
>realize I've been eating slop
>Tommy Atkins-cels seething over tree-ripened mangochads
>begin ranking mango cultivars I have zero means of acquiring
>need to start Nam Dok Mai-maxxing immediately
>hour 6
>cempedak
>Jared loves most Artocarpus fruits
>cempedak walks in smelling like somebody fermented an onion in a gym sock
>he still hates it
>cempedak sisters it's so over
>"bro you just didn't get a good one"
>fruit fandom has ripeness discourse
>of course it does
>hour 7
>woodapple
>Jared smashes open this geological formation
>specimen is rotten
>flavors allegedly include potting soil, eggnog, butter and cheese
>comments furious
>WOODAPPLE WAS BAD
>FRUIT WASN'T RIPE
>TRY ANOTHER
>realize I am watching the produce equivalent of audiophiles arguing about DACs
>hour 8
>NONI
>looks like a diseased alien grenade
>nicknamed puke fruit
>Jared treats it like a hostile paranormal artifact
>cheesy, lemony, vomit-adjacent
>people sell expensive wellness juice made from this
>nonioids detoxmaxx God's biological warning label
>hour 9
>betel nut
>fruit-based stimulant that stains your spit red and comes with an impressive list of reasons not to chew it
>Jared tries it because apparently "document every fruit" includes accepting side quests from Satan
>fruit review channel has somehow become ethnobotany Fear Factor
>hour 10
>start recognizing genera
>see spiky green object
>"probably an Annona"
>WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST SAY
>yesterday Annona sounded like an Italian grandmother
>now comparing sugar apple, cherimoya and atemoya mouthfeel like I have tenure
>Anonabros remain undefeated
>except for the poisonous seeds
>many such cases
>hour 11
>understand the true horror
>every fruit unlocks three more fruits
>rambutan leads to pulasan
>mangosteen leads to yellow mangosteens
>salak leads to different salaks
>this is a tech tree
>Jared turned botany into Paradox DLC
>hour 12
>roommate walks in
>"you've been watching that fruit guy all night?"
>"you don't understand, Jared found another Garcinia"
>"what?"
>"GAR-CIN-I-A"
>"go to sleep"
>can't
>deep into fruit discourse
>Jared cuts open another lumpy Southeast Asian orb
>takes bite
>pauses
>says it's excellent
>LETS FUCKING GOOOO
>FRUITBROS WE ARE SO BACK
>Google "where buy fresh pulasan"
>results: absolutely fucking nowhere
>doesn't matter
>my loyalties are fixed
>my enemies are known
>cherimoyachads rise
>Tommycels cope
>nonioids detoxmaxx into the grave
>cempedak sisters remain on suicide watch
>Garciniabros hold the line
>I will probably die without tasting 95% of these things
>still prepared to defend my fruit tier list with lethal force
>Jared traveled the world for years documenting obscure edible biodiversity
>I traveled from my bed to the refrigerator
>we are basically colleagues