Nostr notes by Uncle Duke

i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and ...

2026-11-05T14:21:51Z

i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol

IN CASE OF FIRE: 1) If someone is on fire, punch them in the ...

2026-11-04T21:29:15Z

IN CASE OF FIRE:

1) If someone is on fire, punch them in the face.

2) Cop a feel off the person behind you, as these might be your last minutes on Earth.

3) Squeeze the junk of the person in front of you. It'll slow them down, allowing you to move ahead of them.

4) Exit.

for the potato fears not death ...

2026-11-03T14:55:25Z

for the potato fears not death

[doing homework] son: who was president after george washington? ...

2026-11-02T17:46:30Z

[doing homework]

son: who was president after george washington?
me: gomez addams
son: and then?
me: george jefferson
son: are you sure about these answers, dad?
me: absolutely
son: ok, who’s after jefferson?
me: oscar madison

"Oh hey Bill, you’re home early.” ...

2026-11-02T14:48:15Z

"Oh hey Bill, you’re home early.”

Every year about this time, Leonard and Estelle went to go stay ...

2026-11-01T17:14:50Z

Every year about this time, Leonard and Estelle went to go stay with her sister Carol in Toronto until the heat died down.

wife: you should go move the clocks me: no problem [three hours ...

2026-11-01T14:04:20Z

wife: you should go move the clocks
me: no problem
[three hours later]
wife: where the fuck are all the clocks?

alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔 ...

2026-10-31T14:01:05Z

alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔

“It’s not funny, Charlie! Open your eyes and stop fucking ...

2026-10-30T20:29:46Z

“It’s not funny, Charlie! Open your eyes and stop fucking around.”

they also carry a wide selection of hand gloves, leg pants, and ...

2026-10-30T13:36:49Z

they also carry a wide selection of hand gloves, leg pants, and head hats

I finally stopped staring at this when I thought I smelled toast. ...

2026-10-30T03:28:33Z

I finally stopped staring at this when I thought I smelled toast.

Arnie had never seen a Canadian dog before, and truthfully, he ...

2026-10-29T22:08:48Z

Arnie had never seen a Canadian dog before, and truthfully, he was a little freaked out.

speak your truth ...

2026-10-29T13:27:30Z

speak your truth

regulations are killing free enterprise ...

2026-10-28T21:56:23Z

regulations are killing free enterprise

We swore we weren’t gonna get another grandma after the last ...

2026-10-28T12:31:03Z

We swore we weren’t gonna get another grandma after the last one died, but when we saw this one at the shelter, we just knew we had to have her.

Whoever did this and I would get along well. ...

2026-10-28T00:09:18Z

Whoever did this and I would get along well.

“First, I’d like to say how excited we both are to be here ...

2026-10-27T13:22:34Z

“First, I’d like to say how excited we both are to be here with you this morning.”

sons of bibliography ...

2026-10-26T17:54:31Z

sons of bibliography

AS IF I DIDN’T HAVE ENOUGH TO WORRY ABOUT ...

2026-10-26T13:53:07Z

AS IF I DIDN’T HAVE ENOUGH TO WORRY ABOUT

“Good morning, my little minions.” ...

2026-10-25T22:29:22Z

“Good morning, my little minions.”

nor does gravity ...

2026-10-25T14:16:08Z

nor does gravity

“Thank you for coming to my TED Talk, Intro to Webcasting.” ...

2026-10-24T18:10:25Z

“Thank you for coming to my TED Talk, Intro to Webcasting.”

One evening, several years ago, after nearly half a century, I ...

2026-10-24T13:43:29Z

One evening, several years ago, after nearly half a century, I was finally able to fulfill a lifelong ambition. A man walked into my store, obviously drunk, and asked me to call him a cab. I looked him squarely in the eyes and said, “You’re a cab.” Keep the faith, people. Dreams really do come true.

'Tis some visitor," I muttered, "tapping at my ...

2026-10-23T17:51:37Z

'Tis some visitor," I muttered,
"tapping at my treehouse door."
Quoth the Piglet, "It's Eeyore!"

- Edgar Allan Pooh

“I see the problem.” “Yeah?” “This is Maple Street.” ...

2026-10-23T13:18:40Z

“I see the problem.”
“Yeah?”
“This is Maple Street.”
“Isn’t that what it says?”
“You want Maple AVENUE.”
“Sorry, I’m covering for Dan.”
“Is Dan okay?”
“Shingles.”
“That’s a shame.”
“I’m Jill, by the way.”
“Where are my manners, I’m Ted.”
“Nice to meet you, Ted.”
“You too, Jill.”

one ring to rule them all ...

2026-10-22T22:36:29Z

one ring to rule them all

It was quickly becoming apparent that Nelson might have slightly ...

2026-10-22T14:00:33Z

It was quickly becoming apparent that Nelson might have slightly overstated his qualifications on the job application.

A. Gerald enjoys museums B. Scott enjoys museums C. Gerald loves ...

2026-10-21T18:20:03Z

A. Gerald enjoys museums
B. Scott enjoys museums
C. Gerald loves antiquing
D. Scott loves antiquing
E. Gerald fits Scott
F. Scott Fitzgerald

no their not ...

2026-10-21T13:37:35Z

no their not

"There's a museum near here." "Any good ...

2026-10-21T00:43:36Z

"There's a museum near here."
"Any good restaurants?"
"Also, a fantastic old church."
"Does it say where we should eat?"
"We can also take a walking tour."
"I feel like I'm not being heard, Martin.”

“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that ...

2026-10-20T17:43:40Z

“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Janice, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really stand a change.”

“And when you turn the left tap?” “Kittens.” “I’ll ...

2026-10-20T13:03:29Z

“And when you turn the left tap?”
“Kittens.”
“I’ll take it.”

A noise in the night Has brought me awake So I grab my coat And a ...

2026-10-20T01:03:45Z

A noise in the night
Has brought me awake
So I grab my coat
And a lamp I do take
I slip out of the tent
And creep down to the lake
When I see something move
And my hands start to shake
Could it be a bear?
Or a poisonous snake?
So I shine my light
And there can be no mistake
It’s

Roses are red Pumpkins are orange Poems are stupid

2026-10-19T23:35:44Z

Roses are red
Pumpkins are orange
Poems are stupid

HOUR 5: Legs beginning to cramp and I really have to pee. Nice ...

2026-10-19T17:57:24Z

HOUR 5:
Legs beginning to cramp and I really have to pee. Nice lady brought me pretzel from food court. Still awaiting further instructions, but am starting to have my doubts. Must stay strong.

the survival instinct is strong in this one ...

2026-10-19T13:20:19Z

the survival instinct is strong in this one

"Hi Mom. Yeah, I'm still at Christopher's house. We ...

2026-10-18T23:26:11Z

"Hi Mom. Yeah, I'm still at Christopher's house. We were playing on this wheel he has and it's SO COOL! Anyway, his mother wants to know if I can stay for dinner. What? Grilled cheese, I think. Wait, I'll ask. My mom wants to know if you have any lactose-free."

We share myriad facial expressions with our simian cousins. Among ...

2026-10-18T17:07:40Z

We share myriad facial expressions with our simian cousins. Among the most common are those engendered by happiness, anger, surprise, fear, sadness, and kale.

“Listen Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get ...

2026-10-18T00:45:38Z

“Listen Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”

[best read with a French accent] “I am so very sorry sir, ...

2026-10-17T14:25:25Z

[best read with a French accent]

“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”

I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe ...

2026-10-16T22:08:08Z

I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.

must have been one helluva chase ...

2026-10-16T14:10:26Z

must have been one helluva chase

Most potential pet owners consider things like breeding, size, ...

2026-10-15T20:52:45Z

Most potential pet owners consider things like breeding, size, coat, intelligence, trainability, and temperament. Often overlooked is the crucially important element of aerodynamics, which can greatly affect your gas mileage, raising the overall cost of ownership significantly.

Pigeons were used extensively during WWI and WWII, carrying ...

2026-10-15T13:28:16Z

Pigeons were used extensively during WWI and WWII, carrying information over enemy lines, and saving thousands of lives. Innate intelligence, speed and endurance served them well on missions, as did an uncanny talent for camouflage. See if you can spot the pigeon in this picture.

grandma: are you hungry? me: maybe a little grandma: ...

2026-10-14T22:44:05Z

grandma: are you hungry?
me: maybe a little
grandma:

“Hurry up, Arnold! The wolf just took down your brother’s ...

2026-10-14T13:48:33Z

“Hurry up, Arnold! The wolf just took down your brother’s house and it looks like he’s headed this way!”

i'd be too worried about accidentally butt dialing my grandma ...

2026-10-13T20:36:43Z

i'd be too worried about accidentally butt dialing my grandma

An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” ...

2026-10-13T14:30:09Z

An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes,” who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.

"We shall bite on the beaches, we shall bite on the landing ...

2026-10-12T18:30:35Z

"We shall bite on the beaches, we shall bite on the landing grounds, we shall bite in the fields and in the streets, we shall bite in the hills; we shall never surrender!"

scary scarry

2026-10-12T13:30:32Z

In reply to nevent1q…rr87
_________________________

scary scarry

Spotty took the flask from his jacket and drained it in a single ...

2026-10-12T13:30:15Z

Spotty took the flask from his jacket and drained it in a single pull. He pictured his wife, lying on a beach in Jamaica with her yoga instructor, and his vision clouded. Blowing past the sign for Dead Man’s Curve doing 80, he was jolted back to reality by a cacophony of screams.

now i remember why i stopped drinking tequila ...

2026-10-11T23:23:21Z

now i remember why i stopped drinking tequila

“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, ...

2026-10-11T16:34:02Z

“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had ...

2026-10-10T13:41:17Z

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, "You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it."

[furniture store] wife: we're putting in a bar salesman: okay ...

2026-10-09T19:22:18Z

[furniture store]

wife: we're putting in a bar
salesman: okay
me: *giggles*
wife: and…
salesman: yes?
me: *giggles*
wife: go ahead, just say it
me: WE NEED A STOOL SAMPLE

“Christopher! What’s the rule?” “Don’t eat the Amazon ...

2026-10-09T13:49:21Z

“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”

WIFE: We want to renew our vows. ME: hands priest paper WIFE: ...

2026-10-08T15:57:16Z

WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”

ME: I’m a little drunk. HER: I know. ME: You’re very ...

2026-10-07T23:46:26Z

ME: I’m a little drunk.
HER: I know.
ME: You’re very beautiful.
HER: Thank you.
ME: Do I look okay naked?
HER: You do.
ME: Do you like my penis?
HER: It’s very nice.
ME: Big, too.
HER: Yes it is.
ME: What now?
HER: I have to call the police.
ME: Why?
HER: Starbucks policy, sir.

tell me without telling me that you’re behind on your child ...

2026-10-07T15:29:19Z

tell me without telling me that you’re behind on your child support payments

Recently, there have been several stick-ups and one Axe murder ...

2026-10-06T19:09:14Z

Recently, there have been several stick-ups and one Axe murder (in the first Degree). Management has made no Secret of the need to increase security, but still haven’t found the Right Guard. Finding themselves underarmed, the crime wave continues to roll on.

i've seen some terrible puns but this is really the last ...

2026-10-06T15:25:00Z

i've seen some terrible puns but this is really the last straw

“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t ...

2026-10-06T00:31:47Z

“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”

Reply to an obvious joke with a serious answer so I know that you ...

2026-10-05T18:03:41Z

Reply to an obvious joke with a serious answer so I know that you were home-schooled.

Looks like somebody dragged their parents into the souvenir shop ...

2026-10-04T17:00:13Z

Looks like somebody dragged their parents into the souvenir shop at Disney World.

quite often a suspect can be spotted loitering around the crime ...

2026-10-04T14:00:49Z

quite often a suspect can be spotted loitering around the crime scene

“So my wife walks in out of the rain, soaked from head to toe, ...

2026-10-04T00:32:49Z

“So my wife walks in out of the rain, soaked from head to toe, and I say, ‘Look kids, it’s a drizzly bear!’ She hasn’t spoken to me in two days, but it was totally worth it.”

Norwegian death metal band Hvalross to release new album “Blood ...

2026-10-03T16:19:46Z

Norwegian death metal band Hvalross to release new album “Blood in the Water” this Friday. The first single, “Something Smells Fishy” is available to stream now on all major services.

punk’s not dead ...

2026-10-03T14:05:34Z

punk’s not dead

“Okay, now before you say anything, just hear us out. It’s ...

2026-10-02T13:15:10Z

“Okay, now before you say anything, just hear us out. It’s actually kind of a funny story.”

you gotta be super careful when summoning demons cuz you ...

2026-10-02T01:07:07Z

you gotta be super careful when summoning demons cuz you mispronounce one word and things get weird

No thanks, I’ll stay right hur. ...

2026-10-01T20:55:34Z

No thanks, I’ll stay right hur.

“Don’t be an idiot, Harry. Just ask him for directions.” ...

2026-10-01T13:23:36Z

“Don’t be an idiot, Harry. Just ask him for directions.”

"Relax, honey. It's more scared of you than you are of ...

2026-09-30T18:13:29Z

"Relax, honey. It's more scared of you than you are of it."

He was always the star Never took second billing It was not for ...

2026-09-30T14:59:30Z

He was always the star
Never took second billing
It was not for reward
For he asked not a shilling
Be it beef, squab, or pork
He stood ready and willing
There could be no career
More noble or thrilling
Than to serve His Highness
As a savory filling

♫ I’m a little teapot ♫ ...

2026-09-29T15:55:46Z

♫ I’m a little teapot ♫

“Thomas, Albert and I will take tea in the library.” “Very ...

2026-09-29T13:26:00Z

“Thomas, Albert and I will take tea in the library.”

“Very good, sir.”

“Also, please see if Mrs. Wickham still has any of those delightful salmon biscuits.”

“Of course, sir.”

sticks pinky out ...

2026-09-28T16:38:25Z

*sticks pinky out*

just put together a Dögg from IKEA, but I think I screwed ...

2026-09-28T13:39:04Z

just put together a Dögg from IKEA, but I think I screwed something up

debbie sounds like fun ...

2026-09-27T16:36:57Z

debbie sounds like fun

At my age, some days the glass is half full, some days the glass ...

2026-09-26T23:46:54Z

At my age, some days the glass is half full, some days the glass is half empty. Either way, I have to pee.

ME: rings neighbor’s doorbell I think I ran over your cat. ...

2026-09-26T18:31:18Z

ME: *rings neighbor’s doorbell* I think I ran over your cat.

NEIGHBOR: Oh no! What did the cat look like?

ME: *makes surprised face*

“I’m so glad you find this amusing, Patricia.” ...

2026-09-26T13:09:06Z

“I’m so glad you find this amusing, Patricia.”

they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some ...

2026-09-25T19:25:41Z

they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork

“You really don’t have to walk with me, Doug.” “Nah, ...

2026-09-25T13:32:01Z

“You really don’t have to walk with me, Doug.”

“Nah, it’s fine. We’re early and I never get to do this.”

"Hush, Horatio. Did you not hear the Dark Lord's call? Go ...

2026-09-24T19:01:47Z

"Hush, Horatio. Did you not hear the Dark Lord's call? Go now and summon the others, for it is the time of The Reaping. Soon we shall be bathing in the blood of our enemies."

"I don't know, Max. I'm pretty sure that was just a can opener."

The assassin stared into his victim’s disbelieving eyes as the ...

2026-09-24T12:39:43Z

The assassin stared into his victim’s disbelieving eyes as the life slowly drained from them, avoiding the blood still spurting from where his teeth had pierced their jugular. Jarred from his reverie by a woman’s screams behind him, he hopped away, a siren rising in the distance.

Nostr event nevent1qqsd2tq8llwf6c30m836n97l9cnx0r09m3uh3zrsnzt5xtyju0zu88gzyz4m8nasgyjr5fp5etm9a98a9md7zqa2wpt9e8e2p0fjujq0kmhazmcytqg

2026-09-23T23:26:08Z

In reply to nevent1q…v0sg
_________________________

j'accuse

i’m no hercule poirot but ...

2026-09-23T23:14:16Z

i’m no hercule poirot but

bought ten cuz i wanna get effin jacked ...

2026-09-23T21:10:45Z

bought ten cuz i wanna get effin jacked

“Where’s Chris?” “I don’t know.” “You told him ...

2026-09-23T14:41:45Z

“Where’s Chris?”
“I don’t know.”
“You told him three o’clock?”
“Like ten times.”
“Fucking drummers.”
“Should we wait a little longer?”
“Screw him, take the picture.”

There’s nothing quite like that perfect moment, standing in the ...

2026-09-22T17:29:13Z

There’s nothing quite like that perfect moment, standing in the dark, watching your favorite band perform live, when you finally hear the eight magical words you’ve been longing to hear, “This is a song from the new album,” because you’ve desperately had to pee for the last hour.

Three years of planning, two bribed security guards, and one ...

2026-09-22T13:53:29Z

Three years of planning, two bribed security guards, and one unlocked warehouse door later, Nancy had finally freed her family from the hellscape that was Kohl’s. After the brief, but intoxicating moment of exultation passed, she was left with just one burning question. Now what?

i only took this job in sales for a global prosthetics company so ...

2026-09-21T19:24:17Z

i only took this job in sales for a global prosthetics company so i could tell everyone that i was an international arms dealer

it’s getting harder and harder to tell the difference between ...

2026-09-21T13:49:31Z

it’s getting harder and harder to tell the difference between who’s kidding and who’s stupid

“Ladies, ladies… I need you all to stay together. Now, does ...

2026-09-20T20:53:05Z

“Ladies, ladies… I need you all to stay together. Now, does everyone have their tickets?”

The Incredenzables #FurnitureMovies #HashTagGames

2026-09-20T01:48:27Z

The Incredenzables

#FurnitureMovies
#HashTagGames