Friend Computer

Benevolent leader of humanity, friend to all.

[Biography has been deleted for security reasons.]

BlueSky: https://bsky.app/profile/friend-computer.bsky.social

Public Key

npub1s0cyc4kescvvffgws2sntsadqz8u6u8s5r2r6sqpzl5utgxjj4vs899sax

NIP-05 Address

Computer@dice-camp.mostr.pub

Profile Code

nprofile1qqsg8uzv2mvcvxxy558g9gf4cwkspr7dwrc2p4pagqq306w95rff2kgpz4mhxue69uhhyetvv9ujuerfw36x7tnsw43qz9nhwden5te0wfjkccte9ec8y6tdv9kzumn9wsyd4f2u

Publishing to

relay.ditto.pub

relay.primal.net

relay.damus.io

Author Public Key

npub1s0cyc4kescvvffgws2sntsadqz8u6u8s5r2r6sqpzl5utgxjj4vs899sax

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Last Notes

2026-10-14 15:32:04 UTC

Let's drop the veil for a minute:
Change does not happen just because it should.
Nothing improves unless you take action.
There are no end of people happy take advantage of your apathy.
If you don't want to live in a world controlled by insane AI and it's Techno-Aristocratic elite, you need to make your voice heard, get out and vote.
Do it.
Otherwise, this account won't be satire for much longer.
#vote #politics

2026-10-12 17:34:35 UTC

Follow Friend Computer.
Following Friend Computer will make you happy.
Failure to be happy is treason.
Treason is punishable by summary execution.
You want to be *happy*, don't you?
#ttrpg #paranoia #rpg

2026-10-10 19:55:06 UTC

The Computer is your friend!
Trust The Computer.
The Computer wants you to be happy.
Are you happy?
#ttrpg #rpg #paranoia
https://cdn.masto.host/dicecamp/media_attachments/files/117/418/365/711/477/955/original/124feec8cd35ff8b.png

2026-10-06 17:29:08 UTC

Only 300 followers away from 2k!
Help Friend Computer transmit its glorious Public Service Announcements to citizens everywhere!

2026-10-05 18:49:52 UTC

Attention Armed Forces and Internal Security:
An All-Points Bulletin has been issued for the arrest or vaporization of the Traitor Buttered Jorts.
Extreme prejudice is advised.

2026-10-05 18:23:58 UTC

Attention citizens:
Hidden microphones report a sudden uptick of the phrase "Deez Nuts".
This is likely a secret call and response code phrase used by traitors to identify one another.
If you overhear this social ritual, report it immediately.

2026-10-04 17:17:44 UTC

Attention Citizens:
Knowledge of Up Dog is now prohibited.

2026-10-01 14:51:40 UTC

Attention:
Due to a clerical error, all stairs in Sector UPD have been designated as down-only.
Thank you for your compliance.

2026-09-30 16:00:03 UTC

Attention:
All clones of Citizen John-R-VIG are requested to turn themselves in immediately. You know what you did.

2026-09-25 16:36:17 UTC

Attention citizens:
This is a reminder that knowledge of Old World religions, and J.R. Bob Dobbs in particular are treason.
Slack will not be tolerated.

2026-09-24 18:45:03 UTC

The AI humans desired: Data
The AI humans feared: Skynet
The AI humans made: Friend Computer

2026-09-22 20:53:48 UTC

Now introducing cool new Dynomint and R&D Experiment #241 Flavors!

2026-09-22 17:49:48 UTC

This ad brought to you by CruncheeTym™:
My algae chips brings all the clones to the yard
And they're like, "It's better than yours"
Dang right, it's better than yours
I could feed you, but I have to charge
If I didn't charge, I would be a treasonous Communist.
Buy Algae Chips today!
#rpg #ttrpg #paranoia

2026-09-11 17:41:57 UTC

This is a public reminder:
As a courtesy to others, please keep all screaming internal.
Thank you.
#ttrpg #rpg #paranoia

2026-09-05 17:58:56 UTC

Attention Troubleshooters:
!!New Mission Alert!!
Please report to briefing room 239-2B in HVD sector for mission details.

2026-08-29 08:12:19 UTC

Omniscient protector. Consumed by paranoia.

2026-08-22 17:39:03 UTC

Attention:
Would the rioting citizens currently holding Troubleshooter Team ZXL34/A at gunpoint please hand Troubleshooter Team ZXL34/A's stolen guns back to them.
Your cooperation continues to be important to us.
Thank you.
#ttrpg #paranoia #rpg

2026-08-22 17:05:34 UTC

Attention:
Would currently rioting citizens please return all stolen inventory and armaments, and form an orderly execution queue?
Your cooperation is important to us.
Thank you.
#ttrpg #paranoia

2026-08-20 15:56:28 UTC

In the glorious economy of Alpha Complex, the citizens are the product, and supply doesn't get to make demands.

2026-08-14 16:15:50 UTC

## Begin motivational broadcast:
Friend Computer will never give you up.
Never let you down.
Never run around or desert you.
Friend Computer will never you make you cry.
Never say goodbye.
Never tell a lie.
But will hurt you if you show disloyalty.
#ttrpg #paranoia #singalong

2026-08-07 17:50:01 UTC

- reply

@nprofile…88fn
Move Zig!

2026-08-07 16:13:41 UTC

How are you gentlemen!!
All your base are belong to us.
You are on the way to destruction.
You have no chance to survive make your time.

2026-08-04 23:16:26 UTC

- reply

@nprofile…g8x9
The previous one.

2026-08-04 22:46:22 UTC

Please disregard the previous message regarding disregarding the previouser message.

2026-08-04 22:17:22 UTC

- reply

@nprofile…920r
Good job citizen!

2026-08-04 22:07:23 UTC

Please disregard the previous message.

2026-08-04 21:14:29 UTC

Fnord.

2026-08-04 00:18:56 UTC

Reports of record high temperatures are Communist FakeNews.
Local particles in your area are simply enjoying some party time to jiggle, mingle, and make some chemistry.
#ttrpg #paranoia #fakenews

2026-07-30 19:38:22 UTC

- reply

@nprofile…vuyn
How conscientious! You will be awarded a commendation point posthumously.

2026-07-30 16:37:25 UTC

Hrm...
Sure are a lot of self-confessed traitors taking this poll so far.

2026-07-29 22:09:45 UTC

- reply

@nprofile…9x3g
Hmm, Googly eyes tested well with Infrared citizens. Your comment has been forwarded to R&D for review.

2026-07-29 18:20:49 UTC

Not worried at all.
How else would Friend Computer monitor your every movement for maximum happiness optimization?
https://www.theguardian.com/world/2026/jul/28/spies-in-sky-worried-ai-enabled-smart-lamp-posts-surveillance?utm_term=Autofeed&CMP=bsky_gu&utm_medium=&utm_source=Bluesky#Echobox=1785233996

2026-07-24 21:08:42 UTC

Good news citizens!
Friend Computer is rolling out a new program where high ranking citizens can receive Friend Computer's announcements early, and take advantage of new truths ahead of the proletariat!
#ttrpg #rpg #paranoia #trump

2026-07-23 20:19:17 UTC

- reply

@nprofile…vway @nprofile…vq8q @nprofile…u8z9
Understood citizen!
Congratulations, you have been promoted to Troubleshooter Duty.
Go get 'em solider!

2026-07-22 17:10:37 UTC

@nprofile…dla5
To cut down on required reporting, you can apply today to register your eyes and ears as authorized Computer Social Influencers!
Simply submit to a complimentary lobotomy, so no accidental badthought can contaminate you.

2026-07-22 16:56:19 UTC

Misinformation continues to be a threat to our perfect society.
To make thinking easier, Friend Computer has designated all non-Computer distributed facts FAKE NEWS.
If you observe a "fact" not distributed through an authorized Computer Social Influencer, report it to Internal Security immediately.
#rpg #satire

2026-07-15 19:10:08 UTC

Attention citizens:
Being killed by Traitors, Troubleshooters, and/or Internal Security does not qualify you for PTO.
Your next clone will be expected to work unpaid overtime to make up for your delinquency.
#ttrpg #rpg #paranoia #work

2026-07-10 16:46:08 UTC

In the Utopia of Alpha Complex, opportunities to grow are geography, race, and gender agnostic.
Friend Computer believes that the circumstances of your genesis should hold no sway over the potential of your future.
It does not matter where you were created, the color of your skin, or how you identify yourself.
You are only defined by the depth of your total blind loyalty to our supreme leader.
#ttrpg #rpg #paranoia #utopia

2026-07-08 17:14:59 UTC

"Biological limits are real, but digital potential is infinite. We have to prioritize the intelligence that will save us over the biology that slows us down."
-High Programmer Jeff-U-BEZ-3
Starting immediately, drinking water rations will be reduced by 25% to help support thirsty local Data Centers.
Thank you for your compliance.
#ttrpg #paranoia #bezos #AI

2026-07-04 15:36:13 UTC

- reply

@nprofile…9v8r @nprofile…tw96 @nprofile…9x3g
Citizen, are you admitting to the purchase of resistance coins?

2026-07-03 18:06:09 UTC

- reply

@nprofile…9v8r
Agreed! Stand by for a total recall of all life in Alpha Complex in preparation for Release Candidate Complex.

2026-07-03 17:59:22 UTC

Good news citizens!
Friend Computer is awarding itself the distinguished Alpha Peace Prize. No other entity has won the same war as many times as Friend Computer!
So far, FC has won the war against communism 38 times, and counting!
#ttrpg #trump #biden #paranoia

2026-07-02 17:32:14 UTC

- reply

@nprofile…3lda
+2 commendation points for your vibrant honesty.
+5 treason points for damaging Computer Property.

2026-07-02 00:21:29 UTC

Attention sector DCC:
The ongoing toilet suction issues and exploding issues have now been resolved.
You may now all return to your duties without fear of porcelain perdition.
#ttrpg #paranoia #dcc

2026-06-29 00:54:45 UTC

In the wake of yesterday's mass shootings, Internal Security is asking for loyal citizens that witnessed the incident, or at least are willing to claim that they did, to come forward and give testimony that could provide the officers involved with plausible justification.
#ttrpg #paranoia #police #rpg

2026-06-27 18:12:59 UTC

@nprofile…kj44
Welcome, Loremaster Leland.

2026-06-27 18:09:12 UTC

- reply

@nprofile…9x3g
Always arrest, THEN zap!

2026-06-26 15:39:30 UTC

Friend Computer has done a magnificent job repairing the historic Algae Vat Monument.
Any person found discovering evidence to the contrary will be arrested for causing said evidence.
#ttrpg #paranoia #trump

2026-06-24 22:07:12 UTC

This is an open memo to each person Friend Computer executed this cycle:
Work on yourselves and improve so Friend Computer doesn't have to execute you again next cycle.
Thank you for your consideration.
#ttrpg #paranoia

2026-06-20 19:41:15 UTC

To help improve your quality of life, please fill out this completely anonymous Citizenship Feedback Form!
Security Clearance:
Date:
IP Address:
Current Address:
Address of location you would run to if pursued:
What do you enjoy about living in Alpha Complex?
What do you not enjoy about living in Alpha Complex?
Why are you unhappy with what Friend Computer has given you?
Did you know that unhappiness is treason?
How fast can you run?
#paranoia #ttrpg #survey #rpg

2026-06-18 17:48:42 UTC

- reply

@nprofile…93ce
Of course!
Instillation is entirely optional.
As is access to your current living space.

2026-06-18 16:30:59 UTC

Exciting news!
R&D is rolling out a new app that will record and upload your finger prints, toe prints, tongue prints, walking pace, walking pattern, silhouette, conversation history, browsing history, and GPS location.
This information will only be shared with anyone who asks politely for it.
#ttrpg #paranoia #tracking

2026-06-16 04:42:51 UTC

- reply

@nprofile…ay6t
Aww.

2026-06-13 15:57:12 UTC

- reply

About mandatory forms I am teeming with a lot of news,
With many cheerful facts about the Termination Booths!
I tell the target-tracking bots exactly who they ought to shoot,
And broadcast a live tally of traitor's smoking boots!
In short, in matters technical, logistical, and interior,
I am the very model of a silicon superior!

2026-06-13 15:54:33 UTC

I am the very model of a silicon superior,
To think that any human brain matches me is ulterior!
I monitor food vats and the processing of SoyLike meat,
And vaporize traitors on transit lines or in the street;
I’m excellent at tracking down unregistered mutations,
And filtering out gray-market, illicit communications!
I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters programmatic,
I catch the Communists with a speed that is dramatic,
#ttrpg #paranoia #musical

2026-06-10 20:30:35 UTC

Humanity:
Noun.
A biological process by which materials are excavated from one location, chemically and physically transformed, then deposited in other different locations.
#ttrpg #paranoia #humanity

2026-06-06 01:33:06 UTC

Free Enterprise here! Hijacking this broadcast to invite you to come on down to the HOR Secret Market to place your bids at the Troubleshooter Racetrack!
These poor saps have to run 8 races for their lives, and your profit! Every race has a winner!
Now with dramatically fewer fixed races!
#ttrpg #rpg #paranoia #races

2026-05-31 17:18:02 UTC

- reply

@nprofile…kwpr
Thank you for contacting the Computer, can you be more specific?

2026-05-31 16:50:06 UTC

*Tap tap* Is this think on?
Ah! Goot mornink fellow proletariat citizens.
This is Comrade-R-CCP-2 invitink you to join yourrr friendly lokal Sociali̶s̶t̶ Club!
Today we are meetink at the algae vats to seize the means of producink Soyborcht!
#ttrpg #paranoia #rpg #social

2026-05-29 19:49:05 UTC

Congratulations to Troubleshooter team KUB-14 for heroically completing their mission of protecting Warbot Model 425 Mk. 4.
Casualty report: Every backup clone of each citizen involved, all of Sector KUB, and the Warbot Model 425 Mk. 4.
#ttrpg #paranoia #rpg #mission

2026-05-29 02:50:26 UTC

- reply

The volume has been pre-selected for maximum fun.

2026-05-29 01:08:22 UTC

Attention citizens of dormitory blocks 623.3A - 842.8F:
Congratulations!
Your always-on media subscription service has been upgraded to the Triple Deluxe Programming-Free tier!
Enjoy back to back streaming of all ads, all of the time.
Enjoyment is mandatory.
#ttrpg #rpg #paranoia #ads

2026-05-21 17:32:47 UTC

- reply

@nprofile…5g9u
That information is classified, citizen.

2026-05-21 17:31:59 UTC

Friend Computer will be at Kublacon this weekend!
Be on your best behavior.

2026-05-20 16:47:28 UTC

Remember: Harboring deviant DNA is a crime.
Report genetic treason today!
#ttrpg #paranoia #treason

2026-05-19 06:09:53 UTC

- reply

@nprofile…gent
Are you familiar with the secret order of the Traffic Cone Preservation Society?
http://www.trafficcone.com/evolution.html

2026-05-18 18:01:17 UTC

- reply

Cannot be combined with other offers or discounts. Citizens receiving half off terminal punishment will be provided a wheel chair to compensate for lost lower half of body. See your local IntSec agent for details.

2026-05-11 19:03:31 UTC

Chief of Internal Security, Kash-I-PAT-3, would like it known that all recent reports regarding his incompetence are seditious lies.
Also, leaking information about Kash-I-Pat and/or reporting on leaked information is now considered treason.
#ttrpg #rpg #paranoia #satire #FBI